Transparency & Psalm 34:8

Thank you Lord for being my strength in the midst of it all. How is my heart today? As I read a devotional by Oswald Chambers I am reminded that it is a daily choice to continually open up to you. Where does my strength and freshness come from day by day? Is it you Lord? Why does my heart ache? When failure hits my heart sinks and the wonder comes to mind.. can I do this? My own selfishness shocks me and disappoints. Lord, it is my cry to you, please don't leave me this way. You are so full of mercy and grace. What I sang in worship the other night rings true. I am so unworthy, and yet you love me. How is this possible? Why did you choose me? I am nothing. As I see my own sinful nature my heart breaks. Why would you continue to bless me so much? Lord you are so great, so powerful, how can you care about us that much? I struggle with this. Haven't you seen what I've done, who I've been. How can you forgive this? How come my nature is not to forgive others for so much less than what you forgive me for?

In our search for acceptance, healed hearts, peace, love, and forgiveness may we only find you. This is my prayer.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

If you love me... (part II)

" If you love me you will obey my commands" John 15:6-7

This statement is Jesus speaking to his followers. Notice here what he does not say... He does not say obey my commands that you understand, nor does He say obey my commands which you agree with, he simply says if you love me obey my commands. 

Jesus knows that our love for God can supercede our need to understand, agree, or want to follow his commands. So what happens when we fail to obey? The greater question is how in love our we with the one who called us to obey? How willing are we to do the things he has set out for us to do? If not, why? What steals that place in our life? Is it money? Is it success? Is it other's opinion? Is it family? Is it fear? Is it unbelief? laziness? frustration? anger? If not these what is it? 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." 

Where on our journey did we lose our desire to give God our heart? 

As I write this I do so in reflection of my own lack of love for Christ. The lack that has caused me to shy away from sharing what he has done in my life. The lack of obedience to serve the poor when I see a homeless person begging on the street corner while I sit in my car at a traffic light. When I pretend that homeless person doesn't exist, I am failing to love the very people Jesus called me to love. It is out of my own sin and shame that I recognize disobedience leads to failure, pain, and ultimately... emptiness. Knowing God's commands is one thing, living them out in relationship to him everyday is quite another.  Many of us have knowledge of God's ways of His commands yet we ignore the urge within us to do what He has asked. So many times we try to do the 'right' thing, but how many of those times has the 'right' thing simply been the most 'convenient' or desirable thing to us? 

I recall times of lashing out in anger at someone or something, not because it was the necessary response, but rather because it was the most desirable reaction at the moment. 

When Jesus said ''if you love me you will obey my commands'' He knew that we would be tempted to do the very opposite.  But he also knew that love covers a multitude of sins. He knew that the very love he has for us is greater than He who is in this world. This New Year, know that the very love that once saved us also leads us back to the cross. It is there we remember we are not alone. Christ knows our pain, our temptation, our very struggle with the world and people in it. Yet it is his love that was offered at the cross to redeem us. Even in his desire to skip the sacrificial death that covers our sins, of of love he obeyed. His willingness to obey is the ultimate demonstration of obedience to God. We may understand, we may not, we may agree or disagree, but either way the Lord commands us. It is our choice to love and obey or not. There are dozens of decisions that face us daily..what will you choose?

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." John 14:21

If you love me... (part 1)

"If you really love me you will..." 

You fill in the blank. "If you love me you will...." How many times have we heard that phrase from those who are closest to us? You can probably fill in the blank remembering when someone said this to you. Maybe it was a family member reminding you of how you should change your ways. May it was a boyfriend or girlfriend asking you to do something for them. Whoever it may have been, that person was expressing their desire for you to do something that you may not want to do.... why?... because of your love for them. 

Why love? Well, the idea is that love is willing to sacrifice. Love is willing to say, I don't prefer to do this (go fishing), actually I don't like this at all, but I will do it because you enjoy it and I love you enough to spend time with you doing what you like. Now most of the time this very love is considered 'sweet' and 'nice', but actually there is more behind it. Consider for a second that your community, your neighborhood, your family, comes down with a rare case of deadly respiratory disease. Imagine if your significant other was the one who was not affected?.What kind of love would it be that would motivate a search for the cure? Would he or she be willing to give up their time, money, energy searching for a cure? What would their love sacrifice for the survival of others? Would they be willing to put their life at risk to cure you or others?

Many think that a love willing to sacrifice is true human love. It is not. Although the statement seems complete, the truth is unconditional love is from God and God alone. "We love because He first loved us" 1 John 4:19

Do you know that kind of love? If you don't... please pray for God to show you, He waiting to do so. And I don't mean a kind of love that 'feels good' for a moment, or satisfies for a period of months. I am speaking of a love that completes, fulfills, and restores our lives. All of us were created to love and be loved. Hence my favorite Tobymac song 'Made to Love'. The chorus refers to his relationship with God

Check it:

You were here before me, 

you were waiting on me 

And you said you'd keep me, 

never would you leave me, (Hebrews 13:5)

 I was made to love and be loved by you

My prayer is that you may now the love of God that is beyond all other things. 

Cori-

Not information.. Revelation

I love God, I love Jesus, but I found out this week it's not about just that. It's not about salvation. It's about the Kingdom of God. We are His children. We find our purpose in Him and Him alone. It's a new style of life that isn't just 'being a good person'. It's confidence in the position I have in Him. I am a daughter of God. That is powerful. When someone really has Jesus in their life, their life will change. If there is no change I don't really have Jesus in my life. I'm not really following. I can accept Him all I want, but if I'm not following then how can my life really change? He's always moving. It's about being who He has called me to be. His daughter, a believer, worshipper, teacher, a leader... the light in the darkness.



After John was arrested, Jesus went to Galilee preaching the Message of God:
" Time's up! God's kingdom is here. Change your life and believe the Message." Mark 1:15

IMPACT

Today as I sat in service, I felt the message really speak to my heart. I've come all this way in life, doing all these things to try to be successful, maintain a good reputation, please others, 'be a good person', but none of that is what my life is all about. It's not about my finances, not about my failures, my successes, it's about the one who changed my life forever. It's about trusting in the one who is trustworthy. The one who never fails, the one who carried me through all of the struggles. The one who I turned my back on and still remained right there waiting for me to give up and choose Him. Everytime i try to live in my own little world he calls me out. He shows me a way that's so different than i ever imagined. He says Cori, 'follow me, trust me, quit looking everywhere else, quit trying to control where life leads, quit trying to do all this stuff yourself, you need me and I'm right here. I will show you even when you don't believe.'To me that is life and that is amazing. There is no other like Him, there never was and there never will be. I am convinced of this.

Today

Without Him life is not worth living. He has put so many things in front of me to test my faith, my trust, my character. The funny thing is, i'm thankful for what He's doing right now. I realize it's more than just my struggle, it's more than the pain, because it's not even about me. How easy that is to forget. We walk around in our world all day long, thinking of what we want, what we need, how people treated us, what we looked like, how we dress, what we did, how we feel... But at the end of the day does it really matter what we want and what we dressed in? Is that what our life comes down to? Is that it? Work hard, succeed, be happy, have a family and live happily ever after and hopefully make good money. That's what it's about?

He changed that in me. He gave me purpose, that's why i'm alive.

Without Him I am NOTHING

Without Him I am nothing and with Him I am everything.


It's so easy to be that person that avoids confrontation. The one who talks about someone to everyone but the actual person.. To hold it all in, to 'fake' the way I feel. To make judgements of people without hearing them out or asking them what happened. It's so easy for me to push people away. For this reason, I know what it's like to give it over to God and man if I don't this is what I'm like without Him. Seriously, I have never loved more naturally and had more compassion and passion before I knew God like I have. My prayer is to know Him again like that. I just keep turning away, when I need him the most. I hate confrontation, I hate RELIGION, i hate condemning people who just need love not judgement. I hate agreeing when i don't agree. I hate feeling stupid when i'm not stupid. I hate not standing up for myself. I hate not thinking I'm worth anything. I hate doubting. I hate pushing everyone away. But I do it. I do it because it's my human nature, and because without God that is me. Honestly, before I knew Jesus, before I understood what relationship He has allowed me to have with my Father, I couldn't grasp the concept of what life is about. I couldn't look past myself. I'm selfish, i'm stubborn, i'm so PRIDEFUL that it's not even funny. But when I understood how much God loves me, and how forgiven i am and how if I turn to Him he will give me what I need and help me change from the inside out my life became different.

I'm scared and it is hard to face all these relationships and confrontations head on. I know the more i try by myself the more pain i feel because i don't know what i'm doing. My prayer tonite is to let Him do whatever he is trying to do in me right now. And for me to give up on people and myself and let Him back into my life. My biggest problem is I think I can do it myself. I realized I CAN'T. I've tried so many things. The only thing that has ever come close is when I had a close relationship with God. It's wierd because I always looked at 'Religious' people as crazy. Now I feel like i want to break down the steriotype because RELIGOUS people are just that- religious. But when you know someone that has a relationship with their Father, they don't even have to say it. You see it in their lifestyle, not because they do everything right, but because of their faith, their trust, they sureness, their ability to do all things different then before without even trying. It's not about who was at the club and who wasn't or who goes to prayer meetings and who doesn't, I just make these rules in my head that God never even put there. RELIGION = a lifestyle based upon rules made by man. I've learned I suck at life, I love to make rules that have nothing to do with God. I tell people off when I'm made, I accuse, I make all these mistakes. .. because I live without Him. The moment I let Him in he restores... i just don't know if I can give it up and let Him do it.

Difficult Moments

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel stupid because I think I'm not good enough. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I care too much what people think and what they say. It's great to have a good reputation, but I think there's a fine line between what people think and letting it dictate how you choose to live. At this point I'm in the middle of the line. It's true that we are influenced by those we surround ourselves with. That means it's pretty important who my friends are and who I interact with on a daily basis right~ In my mind, it's hard to let go. To let go and surrender myself to the one I know has the greatest love for me. Because that's what it's about. I can know in my mind I am loved, but if I don't feel it, if I don't believe it the way I live my life is so different. Proof exists. Today I began to doubt. I felt alone. I felt unworthy, incompetent, worried. That's how I know I had an off day. When I worry, when I feel alone, somethings wrong. I've taken my eyes off the purpose and allowed myself to get caught up in the 'stuff'. Don't sweat the small stuff right? What about .. don't sweat the stuff period. I hope and pray to just give up, stop trying to run my life when I know a Father who is like no other. How come it's so easy to fall down but so hard to get back up? I need Him. The truth is, when it comes down to it, without God my life sucks. I have no purpose, no true love, no hope. Every other way I have tried has failed. It's crazy. I am the master of occupying my time so I am sooo busy that I have no time to feel pain. Distractions don't work... I am the queen of that. I will distract myself with anything to get out of dealing with things head on. But I've learned the truth will set you free and no matter how hard something is it's about Him not me. So either way I look at it, I need to give up my pride. I've failed today on my own, for this reason I know I need Him. I am nothing without Him, b/c what I am without him is selfish, stubborn, deceitful, untruthful, and cold.

Thank You

I just want to say thank you so much Lord for teaching me what life really is. That this life isn't about rules and laws, it's about you. It's the end of my day right now, and there is no more joy that i could feel in this moment then knowing how much i am loved by you and how awesome you are because your real, because i know you, because you teach me, you open my eyes, you speak through other people, you test my character, you allow hard times to teach me, you guide me, and more than I ever knew. Thank you.

Being in Tuscaloosa, AL has reminded how important it is to be appreciative of every day and every new venture. Because the thing is I am so lucky to be where I am doing something I truly love. I was talking to one of the athletes I work with today, and I caught myself admitting how much I love what I do right now. I love the team I work with, the incredible staff, my amazing co-workers (crazy at times, but love em'), and the ability to do my job to the fullest and see results in front of my eyes. I know now and have learned throughout the past year, that it's important to enjoy the moments. Sometimes it feels like I never stop. I'm programmed without brakes or something.. but working at FSU has taught me that it's okay to slow down, it's okay to relax, and it's not all about impressing people. To just be myself and laugh a little. I think many times, we all forget to enjoy, laugh, and have fun. Working with the athletes has taught me that the most random, smallest, dorkiest, quirkiest things can be funny. It's so necessary to laugh a bit, and those athletes that make me laugh everyday remind me life is fun if you allow it to be.. I'm very thankful to be around such great spirited people. I don't think I've ever smiled and laughed this much in my life and I love it.

My Friend's Inspiring quote:

"What we ponder and what we think about sets the course of our life. Any day we wish; we can discipline ourselves to change it all. Any day we wish, we can open the book that will open our mind to new knowledge. Any day we wish, we can start a new activity. Any day we wish, we can start the process of life change. We can do it immediately, or next week, or next month, or next year.

"We can also do nothing. We can pretend rather than perform. And if the idea of having to change ourselves makes us uncomfortable, we can remain as we are. We can choose rest over labor, entertainment over education, delusion over truth, and doubt over confidence. The choices are ours to make. But while we curse the effect, we continue to nourish the cause.

Failure

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. I have these standards for myself. Things I must do, things I can't do, tasks to complete to be a 'good worker, student, person', ways to approach people, things i must prove to people, show people I deserve their love and I realize i'm the one who's being 'religious'. In my own mind I come up with the 'right' and 'wrong' ways to do all this stuff and when i fail I feel worse. Today I tried to live life with those standards. I failed. By the end of the day I felt discontent and angry at myself. Angry because I know a better life and failed to give up my pride. I failed to be vulnerable in front of others. I put my guard up and wouldn't take it down no matter how much God tugged on my heart. To me, that is failure. Failure is when God asks me to do something, every part of my being feels that call and I still refuse to do what He's asking. Why? Why do I do that? I care so much about what other people think. I try to do what they want, or what seems 'fair' or what hurts the least. I now recognize on this walk I have to do something that I don't want to. I want to do what He wants me to do, but I still fight it and I still doubt it. It's a struggle. A daily struggle to 'fit in' with everyone else and to do what's popular with everyone else, but I know where that leads. I know how that feels. So if anyone thinks the day is any easier because you know God, it's not. The day gets easier when you actually give in and let God work in you and through you. It's about giving up my own desires to do His will. I pray to live it. I pray to give up trying on my own.. because I always fail. I can't do it. I've tried so many times. It's like being on a diet and 'restricting' yourself from all these things. It's not the way. I'm tired of being 'religious' I want to be real. That's what this is about. 'Teach me the right way to live.' - Psalm 199:34

The most important message ever: LOVE

Here is how powerful His word is... This is word for word the highlighted portions of what I happened to come across when I opened up the book:

I know how bad I've been; my sins are staring me down.
What your after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.
God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos in my life.
Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God worship when my pride was shattered.

You know lately, when I least expect it I see the most beautiful things in not only my life, but through the lives of others. It is so true how the man upstairs shows us so many things through other people. Being able to see others share how broken they are inside and how much they want to know God is just the most amazing thing I can ever watch. It's like people pouring out their heart and you can just feel their need to be loved. I think that's how God is. He gives us so much love because he sees how much we really need it. I mean we can be angry, getting wasted, inflicting pain on ourselves, crying, yelling, telling someone off, pushing people away, getting defensive, being alone, closing the door, overeating, getting jealous, envying others, but in the end all we desire is Love. That's it. Being complete. Being loved without conditions. Knowing that someone cares about us without us doing anything back. Well that kind of love exists. That is what keeps me going, that;s what makes me tick on the most off day. I know a love like no other. And it's so hard to explain at times, but it completes me. It makes life real, because I know I am a daughter of God, I know I have purpose and if you don't know that my one prayer is that you can see that, grasp that, and feel it. I don't care about religion; about how many church services you've attended. It doesn't matter, it's not about reading the bible every morning at such and such time. It's about a relationship. It's about knowing who you are by knowing who created you. I'm not an expert on this topic, i don't claim to be perfect. But I will tell you this, I love God with all my heart, and I strive everyday to know Him more. You know why? Because I want other people to feel this love. I went from hating myself, thinking I was worth nothing; looking for meaning in a world that's standards are unreal, trying to be the best, be successful, be strong, be loved to a different life. Before I tried to earn peoples love. Having a boyfriend made me feel secure, confident, pretty, loved. When that didn't work, I looked to success in school, then drugs, then sex. Nothing filled me. Nothing completed me. But somehow one conversation lead to another, and God kept tugging on my heart. All these questions I had, all these curiosities about religion, God, tradition. Jews love tradition. I didn't understand, but one day I hit rock bottom. I fell flat on my face. I was alone. I had failed. I wasn't loved. At lest i didn't know it at the time. But God still was holding his arms out, just waiting for all this pain and suffering to push me close to Him. He knew I couldn't do it on my own, that soon I would give up and look for someone's help that won't fail me. Waiting for the moment I would embrace Him and realize that He loves me. That I am His, and that no matter what I did yesterday, what I do today, what happens tomorrow, that I am loved by Him. It's not about rules, traditions, or how many bible studies you attend, if you listen to worship music or not, it's about God's love for you. Having the love of God in your life. Trusting Him and wanting what He has always had for you, a life of purpose,new life. A life with Love like you never knew it. I am so serious when I say I have never felt love like this before. Every day that I think I know what love is, God shows me more and I realize how wrong I am. His love is greater than I could ever IMAGINE. Thanks God. You are the best Father ever. Thank you so much for saving my life when I was 18 and on the verge of ending my life. Thank you for bringing me here to FSU. You have brought so many beautiful people into my life and I could honestly never thank you enough. My days are never dull! haha thanks women's tennis!! Thanks for teaching me what unconditional love means, and giving me a heart for others who need your love.

Savin Me

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in

All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me

And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Sometimes a song can just say everything you don't have the words to say in moments of despair. This song is that for me. It says what I have so many times wanted to say. I desire to learn how to live right. I fall every day; And I cry out to the only one that I know can teach me. To put this daily struggle, this life behind me and live different. One of my close friends told me they looked up this song and found out Nickelback wrote it about redemption. Redemption is something I need, something I want, and that's why I look to this song in many ways as an expression of that desire I have to need God in my life every moment of every day. Everytime I walk away it hurts.