Without Him I am NOTHING

Without Him I am nothing and with Him I am everything.


It's so easy to be that person that avoids confrontation. The one who talks about someone to everyone but the actual person.. To hold it all in, to 'fake' the way I feel. To make judgements of people without hearing them out or asking them what happened. It's so easy for me to push people away. For this reason, I know what it's like to give it over to God and man if I don't this is what I'm like without Him. Seriously, I have never loved more naturally and had more compassion and passion before I knew God like I have. My prayer is to know Him again like that. I just keep turning away, when I need him the most. I hate confrontation, I hate RELIGION, i hate condemning people who just need love not judgement. I hate agreeing when i don't agree. I hate feeling stupid when i'm not stupid. I hate not standing up for myself. I hate not thinking I'm worth anything. I hate doubting. I hate pushing everyone away. But I do it. I do it because it's my human nature, and because without God that is me. Honestly, before I knew Jesus, before I understood what relationship He has allowed me to have with my Father, I couldn't grasp the concept of what life is about. I couldn't look past myself. I'm selfish, i'm stubborn, i'm so PRIDEFUL that it's not even funny. But when I understood how much God loves me, and how forgiven i am and how if I turn to Him he will give me what I need and help me change from the inside out my life became different.

I'm scared and it is hard to face all these relationships and confrontations head on. I know the more i try by myself the more pain i feel because i don't know what i'm doing. My prayer tonite is to let Him do whatever he is trying to do in me right now. And for me to give up on people and myself and let Him back into my life. My biggest problem is I think I can do it myself. I realized I CAN'T. I've tried so many things. The only thing that has ever come close is when I had a close relationship with God. It's wierd because I always looked at 'Religious' people as crazy. Now I feel like i want to break down the steriotype because RELIGOUS people are just that- religious. But when you know someone that has a relationship with their Father, they don't even have to say it. You see it in their lifestyle, not because they do everything right, but because of their faith, their trust, they sureness, their ability to do all things different then before without even trying. It's not about who was at the club and who wasn't or who goes to prayer meetings and who doesn't, I just make these rules in my head that God never even put there. RELIGION = a lifestyle based upon rules made by man. I've learned I suck at life, I love to make rules that have nothing to do with God. I tell people off when I'm made, I accuse, I make all these mistakes. .. because I live without Him. The moment I let Him in he restores... i just don't know if I can give it up and let Him do it.