Failure

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. I have these standards for myself. Things I must do, things I can't do, tasks to complete to be a 'good worker, student, person', ways to approach people, things i must prove to people, show people I deserve their love and I realize i'm the one who's being 'religious'. In my own mind I come up with the 'right' and 'wrong' ways to do all this stuff and when i fail I feel worse. Today I tried to live life with those standards. I failed. By the end of the day I felt discontent and angry at myself. Angry because I know a better life and failed to give up my pride. I failed to be vulnerable in front of others. I put my guard up and wouldn't take it down no matter how much God tugged on my heart. To me, that is failure. Failure is when God asks me to do something, every part of my being feels that call and I still refuse to do what He's asking. Why? Why do I do that? I care so much about what other people think. I try to do what they want, or what seems 'fair' or what hurts the least. I now recognize on this walk I have to do something that I don't want to. I want to do what He wants me to do, but I still fight it and I still doubt it. It's a struggle. A daily struggle to 'fit in' with everyone else and to do what's popular with everyone else, but I know where that leads. I know how that feels. So if anyone thinks the day is any easier because you know God, it's not. The day gets easier when you actually give in and let God work in you and through you. It's about giving up my own desires to do His will. I pray to live it. I pray to give up trying on my own.. because I always fail. I can't do it. I've tried so many times. It's like being on a diet and 'restricting' yourself from all these things. It's not the way. I'm tired of being 'religious' I want to be real. That's what this is about. 'Teach me the right way to live.' - Psalm 199:34