Although I have given my life to Christ, although I’ve matured and grown, there are moments I strive to do good and fail, moments of weakness, moments of rebellion, moments I push God and everyone else away. Through these times I am struck by how clear it is that the Lord will work through any circumstance, any sin, any emotion, any place.
Most recently, the battle within has lead me on a path of mistakes and bad choices. It’s not so much the external actions that have overcome me, but the intentions of my heart and choice of how to respond to the weakness God has called me to face. Rather than ask for help I chose to avoid what hurts, to cover my weaknesses, and to push people away. This behavior was both destructive to my heart and those around me, but in order to run away from faults and hurts I chose to withdraw from God and from people. As the Lord has worked through me in this condition, in this state of denial and fear, I have experienced a true Father’s love.
Although my mind knows different, my heart has always felt there is a point where God would actually turn from us if we ran far enough. If I keep pushing, keep hiding, walk in denial, God will eventually give up on me, I tell myself. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced that with people, maybe it’s just the way I feel, but either way, God has proven me wrong every time. Although we may choose to hurt ourselves, choose to remain in the pit, cling to the bondage we are in, God never turns from us. Knowing our condition and our pain, He loves us just the same as the day He created us.
His grace is so great, it is truly impossible to explain in words. It is the grace of God, who uses our closest friends, our family, His word, and His ways to comfort us and truly meet us in the darkness we clothe ourselves in. Why does He do it? Although the exact answer is a mystery, what I do know is that His love is so unlike ours. If He promises to be our Lord, to love us with His love, He will do it. Since His character is love He can offer us nothing less than that. 1 John 4:16 describes this love, “ So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in Him. “
As the voice of the Lord has spoken to my life, as His presence has overwhelmed me, those times of darkness, those fears of how unworthy and how messed up I am have pushed me to realize this is right where He wants me. He knows who I am, every strength, every fault, every empty spot. We are human. We live in a fallen world, a world that is imperfect. The key is knowing and remembering, we are imperfect, the world is imperfect, but God is perfect. When we draw near to Him, when we allow ourselves to be real in front of Him, when we yield to Him and Him alone, He will work with that and give us what we need.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all of your anxieties upon him, because he cares for you. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of ALL grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself, restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” 1 Peter 5:6, 10
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