Difficult Moments

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel stupid because I think I'm not good enough. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I care too much what people think and what they say. It's great to have a good reputation, but I think there's a fine line between what people think and letting it dictate how you choose to live. At this point I'm in the middle of the line. It's true that we are influenced by those we surround ourselves with. That means it's pretty important who my friends are and who I interact with on a daily basis right~ In my mind, it's hard to let go. To let go and surrender myself to the one I know has the greatest love for me. Because that's what it's about. I can know in my mind I am loved, but if I don't feel it, if I don't believe it the way I live my life is so different. Proof exists. Today I began to doubt. I felt alone. I felt unworthy, incompetent, worried. That's how I know I had an off day. When I worry, when I feel alone, somethings wrong. I've taken my eyes off the purpose and allowed myself to get caught up in the 'stuff'. Don't sweat the small stuff right? What about .. don't sweat the stuff period. I hope and pray to just give up, stop trying to run my life when I know a Father who is like no other. How come it's so easy to fall down but so hard to get back up? I need Him. The truth is, when it comes down to it, without God my life sucks. I have no purpose, no true love, no hope. Every other way I have tried has failed. It's crazy. I am the master of occupying my time so I am sooo busy that I have no time to feel pain. Distractions don't work... I am the queen of that. I will distract myself with anything to get out of dealing with things head on. But I've learned the truth will set you free and no matter how hard something is it's about Him not me. So either way I look at it, I need to give up my pride. I've failed today on my own, for this reason I know I need Him. I am nothing without Him, b/c what I am without him is selfish, stubborn, deceitful, untruthful, and cold.

Thank You

I just want to say thank you so much Lord for teaching me what life really is. That this life isn't about rules and laws, it's about you. It's the end of my day right now, and there is no more joy that i could feel in this moment then knowing how much i am loved by you and how awesome you are because your real, because i know you, because you teach me, you open my eyes, you speak through other people, you test my character, you allow hard times to teach me, you guide me, and more than I ever knew. Thank you.

Being in Tuscaloosa, AL has reminded how important it is to be appreciative of every day and every new venture. Because the thing is I am so lucky to be where I am doing something I truly love. I was talking to one of the athletes I work with today, and I caught myself admitting how much I love what I do right now. I love the team I work with, the incredible staff, my amazing co-workers (crazy at times, but love em'), and the ability to do my job to the fullest and see results in front of my eyes. I know now and have learned throughout the past year, that it's important to enjoy the moments. Sometimes it feels like I never stop. I'm programmed without brakes or something.. but working at FSU has taught me that it's okay to slow down, it's okay to relax, and it's not all about impressing people. To just be myself and laugh a little. I think many times, we all forget to enjoy, laugh, and have fun. Working with the athletes has taught me that the most random, smallest, dorkiest, quirkiest things can be funny. It's so necessary to laugh a bit, and those athletes that make me laugh everyday remind me life is fun if you allow it to be.. I'm very thankful to be around such great spirited people. I don't think I've ever smiled and laughed this much in my life and I love it.

My Friend's Inspiring quote:

"What we ponder and what we think about sets the course of our life. Any day we wish; we can discipline ourselves to change it all. Any day we wish, we can open the book that will open our mind to new knowledge. Any day we wish, we can start a new activity. Any day we wish, we can start the process of life change. We can do it immediately, or next week, or next month, or next year.

"We can also do nothing. We can pretend rather than perform. And if the idea of having to change ourselves makes us uncomfortable, we can remain as we are. We can choose rest over labor, entertainment over education, delusion over truth, and doubt over confidence. The choices are ours to make. But while we curse the effect, we continue to nourish the cause.

Failure

Sometimes I feel like such a failure. I have these standards for myself. Things I must do, things I can't do, tasks to complete to be a 'good worker, student, person', ways to approach people, things i must prove to people, show people I deserve their love and I realize i'm the one who's being 'religious'. In my own mind I come up with the 'right' and 'wrong' ways to do all this stuff and when i fail I feel worse. Today I tried to live life with those standards. I failed. By the end of the day I felt discontent and angry at myself. Angry because I know a better life and failed to give up my pride. I failed to be vulnerable in front of others. I put my guard up and wouldn't take it down no matter how much God tugged on my heart. To me, that is failure. Failure is when God asks me to do something, every part of my being feels that call and I still refuse to do what He's asking. Why? Why do I do that? I care so much about what other people think. I try to do what they want, or what seems 'fair' or what hurts the least. I now recognize on this walk I have to do something that I don't want to. I want to do what He wants me to do, but I still fight it and I still doubt it. It's a struggle. A daily struggle to 'fit in' with everyone else and to do what's popular with everyone else, but I know where that leads. I know how that feels. So if anyone thinks the day is any easier because you know God, it's not. The day gets easier when you actually give in and let God work in you and through you. It's about giving up my own desires to do His will. I pray to live it. I pray to give up trying on my own.. because I always fail. I can't do it. I've tried so many times. It's like being on a diet and 'restricting' yourself from all these things. It's not the way. I'm tired of being 'religious' I want to be real. That's what this is about. 'Teach me the right way to live.' - Psalm 199:34

The most important message ever: LOVE

Here is how powerful His word is... This is word for word the highlighted portions of what I happened to come across when I opened up the book:

I know how bad I've been; my sins are staring me down.
What your after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.
God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos in my life.
Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God worship when my pride was shattered.

You know lately, when I least expect it I see the most beautiful things in not only my life, but through the lives of others. It is so true how the man upstairs shows us so many things through other people. Being able to see others share how broken they are inside and how much they want to know God is just the most amazing thing I can ever watch. It's like people pouring out their heart and you can just feel their need to be loved. I think that's how God is. He gives us so much love because he sees how much we really need it. I mean we can be angry, getting wasted, inflicting pain on ourselves, crying, yelling, telling someone off, pushing people away, getting defensive, being alone, closing the door, overeating, getting jealous, envying others, but in the end all we desire is Love. That's it. Being complete. Being loved without conditions. Knowing that someone cares about us without us doing anything back. Well that kind of love exists. That is what keeps me going, that;s what makes me tick on the most off day. I know a love like no other. And it's so hard to explain at times, but it completes me. It makes life real, because I know I am a daughter of God, I know I have purpose and if you don't know that my one prayer is that you can see that, grasp that, and feel it. I don't care about religion; about how many church services you've attended. It doesn't matter, it's not about reading the bible every morning at such and such time. It's about a relationship. It's about knowing who you are by knowing who created you. I'm not an expert on this topic, i don't claim to be perfect. But I will tell you this, I love God with all my heart, and I strive everyday to know Him more. You know why? Because I want other people to feel this love. I went from hating myself, thinking I was worth nothing; looking for meaning in a world that's standards are unreal, trying to be the best, be successful, be strong, be loved to a different life. Before I tried to earn peoples love. Having a boyfriend made me feel secure, confident, pretty, loved. When that didn't work, I looked to success in school, then drugs, then sex. Nothing filled me. Nothing completed me. But somehow one conversation lead to another, and God kept tugging on my heart. All these questions I had, all these curiosities about religion, God, tradition. Jews love tradition. I didn't understand, but one day I hit rock bottom. I fell flat on my face. I was alone. I had failed. I wasn't loved. At lest i didn't know it at the time. But God still was holding his arms out, just waiting for all this pain and suffering to push me close to Him. He knew I couldn't do it on my own, that soon I would give up and look for someone's help that won't fail me. Waiting for the moment I would embrace Him and realize that He loves me. That I am His, and that no matter what I did yesterday, what I do today, what happens tomorrow, that I am loved by Him. It's not about rules, traditions, or how many bible studies you attend, if you listen to worship music or not, it's about God's love for you. Having the love of God in your life. Trusting Him and wanting what He has always had for you, a life of purpose,new life. A life with Love like you never knew it. I am so serious when I say I have never felt love like this before. Every day that I think I know what love is, God shows me more and I realize how wrong I am. His love is greater than I could ever IMAGINE. Thanks God. You are the best Father ever. Thank you so much for saving my life when I was 18 and on the verge of ending my life. Thank you for bringing me here to FSU. You have brought so many beautiful people into my life and I could honestly never thank you enough. My days are never dull! haha thanks women's tennis!! Thanks for teaching me what unconditional love means, and giving me a heart for others who need your love.

Savin Me

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in

All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me

And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Sometimes a song can just say everything you don't have the words to say in moments of despair. This song is that for me. It says what I have so many times wanted to say. I desire to learn how to live right. I fall every day; And I cry out to the only one that I know can teach me. To put this daily struggle, this life behind me and live different. One of my close friends told me they looked up this song and found out Nickelback wrote it about redemption. Redemption is something I need, something I want, and that's why I look to this song in many ways as an expression of that desire I have to need God in my life every moment of every day. Everytime I walk away it hurts.